submitted by Phil

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (...and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's "just" a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just keep those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (...but no peas?)

On American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (....have a lobotomy)